I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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