he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
