Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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