I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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