based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize