why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
