the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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