What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
