if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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