It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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