I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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