Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
