how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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