my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
