remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm passing your future prison.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
