My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
