I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
