there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
