i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
