bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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