my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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