Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
