2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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