I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
