literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
