I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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