omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
