you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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