I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
