you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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