I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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