I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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