So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize