Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
