You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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