I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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