My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
