he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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