I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
