I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just forgot I was standing up.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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