Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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