I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize