It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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