I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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