M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
