I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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