there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I didn't notice because vodka
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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