I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
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Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
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We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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