News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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