I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
