he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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