Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
