this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I AM VODKA MAN
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
