I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
