I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
