why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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