You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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