I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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