There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
